This week my "special" guy friend and I had a DTR via instant messaging. For all of my non-Cedarville friends, a DTR stands for a conversation in which the two of you define the relationship. I don't think I realized what he was trying to say to me while we were talking. I mean, online conversations can go multiple directions and it can be difficult to know if you are reading into things the wrong way. I like to be optimistic when I am unsure.
He doesn't want me to wait for him. At the same time he doesn't want to lose my friendship. The details of the situation don't make it any less complicated, and overall I just feel confused. He told me he doesn't want me to get hurt, but in a way I am right now. Are his feelings for me gone? I'll admit, I'm a little in love with the idea of us having a romantic relationship, but I have also been trying to focus on us being friends when I knew that any possibility of a relationship would be in several months or even a year. It is so hard when so many (arbitrary) things remind me of him.
One minute I want to cry. The next I am angry. Then I am sorrowful and ashamed of how much I have held on to the hope of being with this guy. Looking back, a few months ago I think he tried telling me this and I didn't hear it. I've been blinded by my personal dreams and overall busyness with school. I realized that this guy did not belong to me, and truly wanted him to choose growing closer to God over me. He is doing that. But now I am also seeing that I have been holding on to this potential relationship so hard because I can not see God's plan for me. I yearn to have that special marital relationship. My Jesus knows this, and yet I try to take things into my own hands. Psalm 37 says, "Trust in the Lord...delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act." Maybe things will work out with this guy someday, but for now...it's over.
