Hold On...

Life is not easy. It is hard work! As a grad student looking forward to graduation and "the real world" in just a few months, I am starting to get excited...and nervous.

I have already begun looking for jobs, and so far it is rather discouraging. Half the time I don't see any postings for the geographic locations I want, and the rest of the time the jobs I see are not up my alley in regards to expertise or interest. I am choosing to trust God that there is something out there for me and that I'm looking where He would have me be. It's hard.

There are so many different things to worry about, stress over, etc. in adult life. I have friends and family turning to me to share their concerns and trials, and while I love that I can serve them in that capacity, it is hard when they seem to all do it at the same time. I want to encourage them with God's promises, but I also need to strengthen myself by growing closer to Him first. He is my strenth; I hold on to Him in the midst of all my struggles. And I praise Him for all the blessings I DO have!

It's Over

This week my "special" guy friend and I had a DTR via instant messaging. For all of my non-Cedarville friends, a DTR stands for a conversation in which the two of you define the relationship. I don't think I realized what he was trying to say to me while we were talking. I mean, online conversations can go multiple directions and it can be difficult to know if you are reading into things the wrong way. I like to be optimistic when I am unsure.

He doesn't want me to wait for him. At the same time he doesn't want to lose my friendship. The details of the situation don't make it any less complicated, and overall I just feel confused. He told me he doesn't want me to get hurt, but in a way I am right now. Are his feelings for me gone? I'll admit, I'm a little in love with the idea of us having a romantic relationship, but I have also been trying to focus on us being friends when I knew that any possibility of a relationship would be in several months or even a year. It is so hard when so many (arbitrary) things remind me of him.

One minute I want to cry. The next I am angry. Then I am sorrowful and ashamed of how much I have held on to the hope of being with this guy. Looking back, a few months ago I think he tried telling me this and I didn't hear it. I've been blinded by my personal dreams and overall busyness with school. I realized that this guy did not belong to me, and truly wanted him to choose growing closer to God over me. He is doing that. But now I am also seeing that I have been holding on to this potential relationship so hard because I can not see God's plan for me. I yearn to have that special marital relationship. My Jesus knows this, and yet I try to take things into my own hands. Psalm 37 says, "Trust in the Lord...delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act." Maybe things will work out with this guy someday, but for now...it's over.

Knit Together...

This week I read about the friendship of David and Jonathan in the OT. What really struck me was how it describes their bond - "at their moment their souls were knit together" (paraphrased). How amazing is that? To be so united in spirit and love for each other. I don't know that many of us can say that about about any one person in our lives. Or may be we can.

I can think of a couple girls in my life with whom I feel "knit together" in spirit. It is an incredible blessing to have such friends. These people put your needs before their own. They care about you and fight for you. Sometimes I catch myself wondering what my marriage relationship will be like someday. I imagine that it should be a mutual sharing and passion for each other's good. But what do I know. :P

Oh, ye of little faith!

This week I've been reading about the Israelites and their cry out to God for a king so they could be like all the other peoples. Every time I read about them the first thought I have is, "what are you doing?! Can't you see He loves you and nothing else will fulfill you?" Two seconds later I realize that I am no better. How often I find myself longing for things other than Him...I KNOW they won't fulfill me like He does, but it still happens.

Why is it so hard? I seek Him; I want Him to be my lifesource. Why is it so difficult to wait on God's timing? Why do we want things that other people have?

Deuteronomy 7:9
"Know therefore that the Lord your God is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love him and keep his commandments, to a thousand generations..."

Be Still and Know I AM

Tonight I am feeling a culmination of emotions centering on the fact that I feel very alone in a very secular world. I am so tired. I need discipleship/mentorship. I have a few friends that serve in the discipleship capacity for me, but they aren't close by. I have other friendships where I feel like I am the "strong" Christian and right now that is wearing on me.
I really miss the daily fellowship in chapel I had in college. It's such a blessing, and those 4 years go by so quickly! I yearn for that kind of time again. At least at my home church, there is not much ministry specifically for the benefit of young adults after the college years. We're kind of lumped into the "adult" group which is typically young parents, adults my parents age, and older. I am grateful for getting time to learn from those individuals, but I also feel that I am at a completely different point of life than they are. I am struggling to trust God with the unknown of my future after grad school, finances for food, clothing, school, etc., relationships... I am so overwhelmed. I am trying to surrender it all to Him, but even so I feel very alone and could use some encouragement and wisdom and an outlet.

Lean on Me!

This week I am all alone in my apartment due to my roommate being gone for a conference. Though we don't see all that much of each other when we are both here, I really miss her. Living by one's self is not fun at all.

I have gotten through yet another week of classes. Whew! It really isn't that bad yet, but I felt strained this week trying to focus on homework and school in general. My heart longed to be elsewhere. Like relaxing on a warm beach, having a dinner date with a good friend, or even just to veg. Ummm, let me remind myself, the time to do all of that ended a couple weeks ago, and the possibility of a warm beach isn't on the horizon until August!

As I sit in my apartment, "all alone", it gives me ample opportunity to evaluate my time and what i do with it. This week as I looked at what I don't want to do, did I complain? Unfortunately, yes. Did I seek God's strength? A little. Not half as much I would have liked to be able to say. "Lean on Me!" He says. "But it's so nice swimming in this mess around me!" I retort. It's almost as if I can see His light shining through the clouds, but I choose to keep my focus on the clouds. Am I afraid of being blinded by His love for me? Are you? I really want to watch Him move those clouds; use those clouds. My problem is letting go of those "tangibles". His love will stop being intangible to us if we would only let Him in.

Now, not Later

This week my eyes have been open to how little I actually open my Bible to read it. How often I put it off and rationalize it with reading about God from a different source or listening to someone else. I want to change this. If you're reading this, please pray for me! Accountability partners are needed and welcome.